A letter to my 5 year old self

Hey Little Sarah,

I thought I'd write you a letter.

People don't write letters anymore, which seems a shame.

The me that is writing to you lives in a very different world to the one where you've packed a picnic for your bear and are ready to set off on an adventure.

What I want to say is that you don't know it yet, but you're going to have a pretty crazy life and it’s going to be anything less than ordinary.

Some of it isn’t going to be great, but so much of it will be pretty awesome too.

What you don't know is that you've been given a different kind of brain.

Now you're not going to find out about any of this until you're much older. Not until you've got grown-up children of your own, (they're pretty awesome human beings btw, and having them will be the best thing you ever do in your life). It's the kind of brain that will work at a million miles an hour. You'll always be a chatterbox, with far too much to say. Your mind will run away with you, frustrate you, bemuse you, and leave you feeling pretty helpless and down at times. 

But it's not all bad. 

It will also astonish you with its creativity and artistic qualities. You'll find joy in photography, pick up languages easily (you're going to live in Russia for a while when you're 18, fall in love and marry the father of your boys. It won't last forever but that's ok. You'll remain friends for the rest of your life).

You've just started ballet classes, and this is going to weirdly save you although you don't know it. You see, having all that energy and an overwhelming urge to move and run, and having a creative outlet for your racing mind will be as good for you as medication would be. You'd probably never have survived University sadly, although I know you have a bit of a hankering to be an archaeologist. You'll burn out more times than other people, because it's impossible to maintain the level of dopamine that you need to function properly without crashing spectacularly at times. You're going to spend a lot of time like this. When you're 12 you're going to dance with the NYCB at Covent Garden. Pretty awesome! (You will also face plant into a plate of spaghetti bolognaise in an Italian restaurant after one performance from sheer exhaustion, but that's ok).

Choosing ballet as a career will be the best and also the worst choice for you. You'll travel the world and make amazing lifelong friends who actually 'get you'. You'll love performing on stage more than anything. The fact that no two days will be the same will be good for your brain, as it will save you from the boredom and tedium of a 9-5 job. But the pitfalls of being a dancer, especially in the 80s and 90s, is that there won't be any support outside of your peer group. Anxiety will cripple you, and low self-esteem and feelings of just never being good enough will stop you from really going very far. This is one of the negative things about having your super brain. It also leaves you feeling pretty sad a lot of the time. You'll work for people who bully you, and the constant criticism will hurt. 

A lot.

You're also going to get pretty sick when you're about 23 after a nasty bout of an intestinal infection hits you hard during a trip back to Russia. (Seriously, don't drink the local beer! It's full of  things that unless you're a local will do you more harm than good). You'll be so ill that you have to be carried to the loo, and you'll call the British Consulate begging to be flown home. They won't be able to help you, so you'll have to endure a ferry journey from St Petersburg to Germany, and then the drive back through Europe to get home again. 

You'll go back to work weighing 6 and a half stone, to be told you look "Fabulous Darling!! Keep it this way". You will try and do as you're told but will end up having a year off work, from being so burnt out and ill. (Sorry about that).

Your super brain will also make you very impulsive and spontaneous. Some of this impulsivity will be good. When you're 50 you'll book a last-minute flight to Milan on your own, and spend one of the best weeks of your life, soaking up the art and architecture, and eating incredible food.

You'll also go on a blind date in Dublin because meeting the guy in a pub for a drink is just too boring for you. (He won't be Irish btw, he lives in Somerset. But you both think it might be pretty cool to get on planes and meet at Dublin airport). There won't be any romance, but it will be an amazing weekend. You'll dance to Irish music in pubs whilst drinking Guinness, and you'll take off to the Wicklow Mountains in a hire car and laugh until you cry. You'll say goodbye at the airport and never see each other again.

You're not going to be great with money. Either making it or spending it. You're going to have more jobs and start more projects than anyone you know. That's just a part of having ADHD, as you'll find out. But wouldn't life be so boring if you just did the same thing for 50 years? You'll be a tour guide and fall in love with Cornwall and Ross Poldark. You'll make candles with your best friend and sell them at Christmas fairs. Never making any money but having the best time with your bestie doing it. You'll do waitressing at the weekend to get over the break up of another crappy relationship.

Speaking of men. You'll meet some pretty awesome ones. And some pretty shitty ones too. You won't understand the importance of loving yourself first before you've had your heart broken a few times. You'll fall in love with someone you want to marry again one day. The timing will be rubbish though, and you'll be pretty menopausal when that happens. Your emotions and meltdowns will be fairly nuclear. Did I mention you won't be able to take HRT? That's because you'll survive having breast cancer fairly young so it won't be an option.

But honestly, you're a tough little cookie. Far tougher than you think, and throughout it all, you will be ok.

You're going to live through a global pandemic. This is going to be a tough few years. For everyone. But especially hard on people with ADHD who need constant stimulation, and people around them. There will be something called Netflix on the tv by then, so it won't all be bad because you can binge-watch Gilmore Girls to your heart's content. You'll take up painting by numbers, and try making sourdough bread and growing vegetables. But these things won't last long. 

You'll miss friends, and you'll especially miss Mum and Dad. They won't be with you anymore by then and you’re going to have to find some super human strength for a few years I’m afraid.

By the time you get your diagnosis of ADHD, the world will be a very different place. People will have understood the importance of talking about things like anxiety and depression.

 Menopause won't be swept under the carpet as 'just something that women have to endure'. Things will be shared, and help will be out there. So don't feel ashamed of your super brain. It's quite incredible really.

You really are going to live a Life Less Ordinary, and I promise you it’s going to be quite a ride.

See you when you grow up,

Love from 52 year old me xx

P.s you're going to break your shoulder quite spectacularly 4 weeks into lockdown. You'll fly off the electric bike that you've just impulsively bought two days previously, and fracture it in 7 places.

The bike will be fine. 

But you'll never ride it again.