Does my ADHD define me?
When I got my ADHD diagnosis at the age of 51, I had lived over half a century completely unaware that I was Neurodivergent.
That’s 5 decades of feeling deep down inside that I was different to so many of my peers and people around me, but not knowing why.
5 decades of struggling with sometimes crippling anxiety that was actually just undiagnosed ADHD.
5 decades of burnout and overwhelm. Coming home from boarding school where I was training to be a ballet dancer so exhausted that I would take to my bed for about 3 days. At the age of 12.
5 decades of emotional dysregulation and feeling like I must just be a Drama Queen.
5 decades of hyperfocusing on jobs and hobbies that I never stuck with.
5 decades of impulsive behaviour.
The list goes on…
A good friend recently said to me that she was proud of me for doing all of this with LLO, but to be careful to not let ADHD define who I am.
But how can it not?
Having ADHD impacts every single area of my daily life.
It defines whether I
finish tasks on time.
can find the energy to workout.
spend too much habits and my impulsive behaviour.
can hold onto friendships and relationships.
get a good nights sleep
It also defines how much alcohol I can tolerate without it sending me into a spiral, and emotionally melting down.
It defines my ability to be an adult and do Adulting.
It defines whether I talk too much and overshare.
It’s a pretty long list to be honest.
I’ve been asked so many times whether getting a diagnosis so late in life has made a difference. I mean I’ve somehow managed until now, and on the outside to other people I sometimes look like I have it all. I’m intelligent and creative and always manage to find a job. I’ve raised two incredible kids as a single parent, who are remarkably well balanced all things considered.
Did I really need to put a label on myself?
The answer to that is unequivocally YES.
Getting my diagnosis has been one of the best things I’ve ever done. It’s been like a massive weight suddenly lifting off my shoulders. A weight that sometimes felt like a concrete block pressing down on me. It’s given me answers, and the relief that I can look back on my life and everything I’ve overcome and say ‘Damn girlfriend…I am proud of you for living over half a century and achieving everything you have’.
But more than anything it’s meant that I’ve been able to research, learn, self educate, and make the changes I need to make to thrive and not just survive. I’m on a mission to share all of this with other women.
Not just my wins, but also the messy side of my life as an ADHD’er.
I really hope that one day the world will be more well placed and designed so that Neurodivergents can be the incredible human beings that they have the ability to be.
And that will only happen with knowledge, acceptance, support and sharing.
Getting my ADHD diagnosis has defined me.
But I see it as a positive thing and not negative.
I know my talents and abilities, I adore my uniqueness and my indefatigable zest for life.
I can spot when burnout starts rear its ugly head now, and take the steps I need to try and stop it happening. I’ve discovered a love for long walks in nature,and a healthy bedtime routine that helps me sleep better.
In the last 18 months I’ve learned to love the gorgeously messy woman that I am, a woman who is defined not only by ADHD but by a million other things.
And for that I’m grateful.
Sarah x
